4 Hilarious Side Effects Of Living Next To Businesses

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Living near industry has its pros and cons. Sure, the nuclear power plant means everybody in town has a steady job, but it’s also why little Suzy is her own nightlight. But even when they’re not poisoning water supplies or causing property values to go down, there are plenty of other, weirder ways businesses can turn neighborhoods into psychedelic hellscapes. For example …

4

The Viagra Factory Is (Reportedly) Giving Boners To All The Locals

Life is sweet in the Irish village of Ringaskiddy. The scenery is lovely, crime is low, and the weather is fairly nice for Irish standards. But still, being a Ringaskiddyite is hard living and hard work, and it gets harder with every breath you take. Why? Because there’s Viagra in the air.

Located in County Cork, Ringaskiddy is home to one of Pfizer’s pharmaceutical plants — specifically, the plant that makes most of the world’s supply of Viagra.

Pfizer IrelandPetition to change the name from Cork.

And according to locals, there’s often a stiff breeze of fumes from the factory that’ll put a spring in your step and a tipi in your pants. Medical professionals attest to the very visible effect of Pfizer’s local business. On a windy day, many a man (and dog) can be spotted walking around “in a state of sexual excitement.” And you know how the old adage goes: Where there’s smoke, there’s a bunch of raging erections.

Naturally, Pfizer insists the claims are complete baloney, stating that their “manufacturing processes have always been highly sophisticated as well as highly regulated.” The company maintains that airborne boner dust is nothing but a myth, and the entire town is merely enjoying a group placebo effect. Not that the locals mind either way. A Ringaskiddy woman describes the town as having become a sort of Mecca for men with erectile dysfunction. She’s also quick to mention that she’s never once been lonely in the years since her husband’s passing. In Ringaskiddy, love is always in the air. Or something close enough, at least.

3

Your Garage Doors Won’t Work If You Live Near A Military Base

If you live near a military base, it’s reasonable to expect certain minor inconveniences, like packed bars or the occasional tank double-parking in front of your driveway. Then there’s the slight discomfort from living less than a blast radius away from what army folks proudly call a “high-value target.” But if none of those are reason enough to stay put, the military has more high-tech ways of keeping you indoors.

As it turns out, if you live within about 15 miles of a base, you really shouldn’t bank on your garage door opener working very often. In 2013, some 500 Georgia homeowners near Fort Gordon found themselves frantically clicking a remote like their TV had gotten stuck on Bravo. Since 2011, the same thing has started happening all over the country, including to residents of Norfolk, Virginia, Puget Sound, and Orange County, California, to name a few. Still, of all the excuses to be late for work, not being able to get out of your garage because the biggest army in the world won’t let you is one of the better ones.

Ken Kively/The Los Angeles Times“Oh God of War, please accept this token of my humility and allow me to go to my budget meeting.”

What’s causing the problem? Radio waves. Since World War II, the 380-399.9 megahertz range has been reserved by the Department of Defense for military communications. However, the frequencies were so infrequently used that some garage door manufacturers started “borrowing” that band without the military ever noticing. This changed when bases started switching to the relatively new Enterprise Land Mobile Radio System, creating a lot of interference on these channels and, as a result, a lot of dented cars. Military base neighbors wanting smooth garage action can buy a $60 device that changes their frequency, while others get to deal with the military randomly revoking their driving privileges. Fortunately, since the military doesn’t use the frequency for anything super-duper top secret, you’re not going to accidentally launch any nukes by pressing the button for your garage … probably.

2

An IHOP Will Make Your Entire Building Smell Like Bacon

Bacon is a close third to air and water when it comes to human necessity. There are few things that aren’t made better with bacon, which is why we have things like bacon soap, bacon condoms, bacon ice cream, and bacon vodka to add variety to our bacon-filled lives. But while most of us (secular types) think there’s no such thing as “too much” bacon, a certain group of New Yorkers begs to differ.

We’ve all had one of those neighbors whose cooking is a bit too pungent for our tastes, but what if that neighbor is a restaurant that pumps out the flavor 24/7? Since an IHOP branch opened up on their ground floor, the tenants of a New York City Union Square building have faced a particularly crispy calamity. The smell of “rancid bacon” has been wafting through the complex, the greasy cloud going up as far as the 11th floor. And because this IHOP is open 24 hours a day, these people are basically living on top of a round-the-clock bacon smell generator.

Google MapsI Have Odor Problems.

In fact, it had gotten so bad that the tenants lodged multiple complaints with the Department of Buildings in hopes of ridding themselves of bacon once and for all. How much beef could these people possibly have with pork? Quite a bit. According to one resident, the smell can be so overwhelming that it “clouds her thinking.” She added, “I just imagine it: a film of crap on my furniture, on my rugs, on my walls … Is it in my hair? Do I smell like IHOP now?” Unfortunately, after their initial salvo against city hall, the story simply disappeared, and the 14th Street IHOP has been filling the skies with greasy smells without an end in sight. It just goes to show, you can’t fight Big Bacon.

1

Whiskey Distilleries Coat Everything Nearby In A Black Fungus

Living in a town with a distillery must be great. The economy thrives, it puts the town on the map, and you can get absolutely wasted on the cheap. Surely, there are no downsides of living in Booze City? But while the residents are constantly painting the town red, the booze itself has a nasty habit of painting the town black.

Munchies/ViceThe fungus amongus.

If you’re a whiskey enthusiast, you’ve probably heard of the so-called “angel’s share,” the portion of the liquor that escapes from barrels and rises to the heavens during the aging process. Sounds harmless, what with the angels getting wasted and all. But ethanol is more dense than air, so instead of drifting upward to inebriate the heavenly, it eventually slumps back down to Earth, probably looking for a Taco Bell that’s still open.

But by the time the ethanol drops down again, it will have had a boozy hookup with moisture in the air, giving birth to a bastard called Baudoinia, or whiskey fungus, which has a sticky, sooty quality. So when the ethanol does its walk of shame back to the ground, it brings the fungus with it, coating every surface within a couple of miles of the factory in in disgusting black film — even stainless steel. Sure, you can get rid of it with some soap, a pressure wash, and some light-to-medium swearing, but since it comes right back, what’s the point, really? And the black gunk isn’t just ugly; it damages the buildings and cars it gets its hands on. It really is like your one buddy who’s constantly wasted, right down to the yeast infection.

Munchies/ViceI didnt see the stop sign because of all the whiskey is actually a valid excuse here.

Why live by an IHOP when you can just order their pancake syrup online?

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For more, check out 6 Bizarre Realities Of Life In A Town Owned By Disney and They Shoot ‘The Walking Dead’ In My Town: 6 Weird Realities.

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